RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
1.
Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato
salad? Is there egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the
greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of
pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in
your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat
anything.
2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit
your butt down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is
not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them pecans and
walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will
escort their little butts to the basement and bring their food down to
them. They are not going to tear my house up this year. Tell them that
they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start
telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come
upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I
will tear their butts up and you better not ask why!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving
dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year
old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out
of jail. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still
talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come
across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up
for seconds! If you don't, you will be asked to stay your greedy butt
home next year!
6.
BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a
plate in my good Tupperware knowing that I will never see it again!
Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you
making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding. And why are you
making plates before you eat? You never bring a dish or offer a dime do
you?
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!!
Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you.
EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY
DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from
house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a
kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present
at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come
and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!!
There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat
dinner and go home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT
11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is
not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas
dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over
the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There
will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin
Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit
card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD
STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET.
